Best of my old blog

To start this blog off here are the top five (personally rated) postings from my old blog. This will have to do until something creative infiltrates my life.

5:

Sloppy Salads

Tragedy struck the deli today.

I spilled half a 5 liter container of our popular Lemon Parmesan Tortellini Salad. 3.79 pounds of it to be exact.

My coworker stood over me and watched me labor over individual little red and white pasta rounds. This specific tortellini was designed to fit perfectly into the holes of our floor mats. My gloved fingers could barely grip the greasy noodles.

“Man,” said my coworker. “I wish I was a dog right now.”

And he continued to watch.

4:

Notification

I had been wondering all semester if the university really knew of my graduation date.

I mean, I hadn’t heard anything from them. No ‘save the date’ email or notification on where to buy all the graduation paraphernalia.

Time went by, and I was getting a little anxious; what if there was some mistake in the paperwork? What if I failed to complete some hidden requirement?

But I need not worry for a moment longer.

My official graduation notification came this evening not in a letter, e-mail or handshake from my adviser, but a telemarketing call.

That’s right, a telemarketing call. I know I’m graduating because I received my first call from the university, asking me to donate money as a future alumni.

WSU. World class. Face to palm.

3:

Humorless Slush

“Yes, it comes in sugar free too” said the Barista here at Sisters’ Brew Coffee House.

She didn’t even crack a smile. Obviously, she didn’t find the Red-Bull Slushy option on their menu as funny as I did.

2: 

1:

Reincarnation

Tom threw a greasy fry to the begging seagulls at his feet.

“Don’t encourage them, you’ll just attract more,” I warned.

Sure enough they came, their gawking red eyes stared blankly at us and they cried out in vain for the easy snack.

A homeless fellow approached from behind the scavengers. “Goddamn seagulls,” he said to the skittish white birds below him. “Don’t you know I’m hungry too.”

The man looked up to us. “Hey, you all don’t suppose you could spare some change so I can get a burger, do ya?”

The restaurant is famous for its one-dollar burgers and cheap fast-food eats. “No, sorry we just spent our last.”

“Oh well,” the vagabond sighed.

He turned away and headed to the folks lined up for their food. “Maybe when I die, I’ll come back as a seagull.”